The Masks We Wear

Can you spot the difference in these smiles? In 2019, not long before covid, I made a dance piece called, “The Masks We Wear” on an amazing group of young people in Leeds… and looking at these photos reminded me of that title because (some) of these smiles look fake to me…

I can tangibly see (and feel) the difference in the smiles when I genuinely loved my job, to the ones in the middle where I was transitioning into feeling what was beneath the surface, to the final images where I had begun to better understand my personal mission as a dancer and human (I began to learn how to neutralise my shadow & evoke my goddxx-like potential).

When I was taking freelance dance jobs in London, I often felt the pressure of the jobs being more about how you looked than how you danced, and then really feeling replaceable: like there was no loyalty and they would drop me and move on to the next hot thing/new dancer fast.

I was so eager to pursue my career, that I got into a survivor mode mentality: I lost respect or value for myself and often I would take low-paid jobs when I was overtired or that were really an inconvenience because I didn’t know where the next one was going to be…

I was always trying to be good enough: and the more I tried, the more I was faking it… I didn’t feel good inside: I felt like a fake and that my shadows (the aspects I was trying to deny) were radiating outwards too… even my smile began to ache because it too was fake…

Then… like a mirror of everything that was going on internally, everything around me began to crumble: my partner left me for a (younger, hotter, better?) dance partner, I lost the home I was living in, and eventually, many of those jobs dried up because my heart just wasn’t in them, & I felt people could tell I was not shining brightly because I felt so awful inside… I felt like I couldn’t get away from any of it and all I wanted to do was be on my own because then I could be myself… or at least try to find out who I was…

I am so glad I took the time that I needed to go inwards and find myself so that now (8 years later), I am no longer informed by the outside but guided by my own sense of self and who I am and my smiles are real… today I cried tears of JOY and gratitude twice! 🙂

Does this relate? How did you get your smile back? Or, if you are journeying back to joy, I hope that you are navigating it with a lot of kindness to yourself, and curiosity (and I am sending the biggest hugs)… and next week I will share some of the specifics of how I got mine back…